Okay I admit that I was a bit wavered due to what I've been through. Because honestly I'm still having a hard time. So psychologically I'm looking for something to blame on. And that's why I was ended up in that question. Then I was wondering too, are being a moslem will bring us happiness? Is it right to be happy in Islam? Why I haven't find my happiness whereas I am a moslem? Why I'm not happy even though I am a moslem? If it's the most right religion, I should live happily doesn't it? But in fact I still have a lot of things to struggle.
I do not hate my religion, I just don't like my condition right now. I don't like it when people see me then they will assume "Is it the result of being a moslem and doing your life according to Islam? Is your God abandoned you?" I hate it, I don't want people to see me like that and relate it to my religion... I'm really really sad about this.
I don't like it when people think about my religion, then the only thing come to their mind are the images of poor people, beggars, tramp, pathetic, terrorist, or some uneducated people on the street who like to disturb people.
Even though those images don't have any relation at all with my religion, because those can happen to people with any kind of religion, not only to Islam. But I really don't know what to answer if somebody asked me, "Why your life is like that? Is being a moslem turn you to be like that? Does doing your life according to Islam make you someone like this?"
I want to answer it well just like I answered my friend's question many many years ago. When I had my study in university, one of my friend asked me on how I could achieve good grades? I answered it's because I prayed before I study and do my assignments.
It's not because I want to show off on how great my religion is, or being boastful about a happy & successful life if we're being a good & religious person. It's just that, I don't want to embarrass my religion just because people see me having an unfortunate condition. Well actually my life is not that bad, I live a good life alhamdulillah. But it's not on the state where I can say it's already good, I mean it's not good enough, I still have a lot of things to work on.
I know that being a moslem doesn't guarantee that we will be wealthy and having a great life. We are taught that being a moslem, we will be tested for our faith, to prove our determination.
Regardless of the test, I really want someday when people see me, then they can say, "Oh that's how being a moslem looks like, it brings you a good & happy life."
I want someday I can bravely say, "I am a moslem and I live my life according to Islam, therefore I am happy & successful."
Before it happen then, I think I just want to hide my religiosity and just live like an ordinary person. I think it's better to live modestly and don't talk a lot about this and that until I achieve what I want to achieve.
"I am a moslem and I live my life according to Islam.
I don't drink alcohol, I only consume halal products, I pray 5 times a day, I fast during Ramadhan, I don't eat too much, I treat people good, I connect a good silaturahim with people, I don't smoke, I don't do free sex, I don't date, I do a ta'aruf in order to get married, I forgive people who make mistakes, I give charity, I don't gossips, I do a halal work, I earn money in a good way, I don't steal, I don't cheat people, I don't hurt others, I obey my parents, I respect my siblings and my other family member, I help those who needed, and above all... I put my trust in Allah.
Therefore I have a balance life, I live peacefully, & I find my happiness.
Isyhadu bi anna muslimun (be witness that I am a muslim - saksikanlah bahwa saya adalah seorang muslim."
